He said – “ I do what is in front of me, focus on what makes the most sense, try and do a good deed or two for others which helps my outlook, I don’t  say anything mean and it all works out – not the way I might have planned it – but it all works out.”

This guy has nothing to do with The Family Foundation School, to my knowledge, he has nothing to do with a 12-step self help program, yet his response embodies the practical ideas and copping skills we teach our students as part of the Character Education program. An affirmation that the principles we teach using the 12 steps are fundamental and applicable in all of our affairs.   

I asked my one son to grab one randomly from the middle of the deck. Of course my daughter had to be contrary. She  complained, adamantly saying that we should read the next card sequentially. She stated that for various reasons and preferences that it was the right way to do it.  I read a random card anyway and we all had a laugh because here is what it said:

“Give us, O Lord, thankful hearts, which never forget Your goodness to us. Give us, O Lord, grateful hearts, which do not waste time complaining.” (St. Thomas Aquinas)

Coincidence?  In my many years at The Family Foundation School,  I have come to believe that moments like this happen way too often to be coincidence.  I just need to be open and tuned into the frequency of my Spiritual life.

 visit my family and students at The Family Foundation School.  Even more special is the fact that when his 24 year old daughter(M.D.), now married and living in Washington state, heard that her father was going to take the road trip from Chicago to Hancock, she hopped on a plane to Chicago in order to join him. You see they are both Alumni of The Family / The Family Foundation School and felt compelled to show their support.

They came spent the weekend sharing and reminiscing – concluding their stay with M.D. (TFFS 2000) participating in the transition seminar being held for the upcoming June graduates and then A.D. (TF 1979) shared his recovery story at an open speakers meeting.

Over thirty years! Our looks have changed, our paths sporadically intersect, but our goal is the same – to go through this life being part of the solution not part of the problem. 

The start of a friendship

30 years later like "Brothers"

In teaching these I am reminded that “Character” is learned – by role models, by formal instruction, and through experiential learning and practice.

At The Family Foundation School, where I work, we also have a Scouting and Venturing programs. These offer troubled teen girls and boy students additional ways in which they can practice the virtues or ideals that contribute to the quality of one’s character. These are importent priciples or living skills for a young person on their way to responsible adulthood.

Next month two of the WEBELOS from pack 75 will cross over to Boy Scout Troop 74. As part of their preparation they are beginnig to answer these questions from the Scout Promise, Law, Motto, Oath:

1. On my honor – How do we define “honor”?

2. I will do my best – What do we mean by “Do My Best”?

3. To do my duty to God and my Country – What is meant by “Duty to God”?

4. What is meant by “Duty to my Country”?

5. To obey the Scout Law – What does, “To obey the Scout Law,” mean?

6. To help other people at all times – What does “To help other people” mean to a Scout?

7. To keep myself physically strong – What does this phrase mean to a Scout?

8. Mentally awake – What does mentally awake mean to a Scout?

9. Morally straight – What does morally straight mean to a Scout?

10. Be Prepared – What does the Scout motto mean?

11. What does the Scout sign signify?

12. Why is there a Scout salute?

13. A Scout is trustworthy – Define trustworthy in relation to what a Scout is.

14. A Scout is loyal – To whom is a Scout loyal?

15. A Scout is helpful – How is a Scout helpful?

16. A Scout is friendly – How is a Scout friendly?

17. A Scout is courteous – Define courteous.

18. A Scout is kind – Which of the sentences below best illustrates that a Scout is kind?

19. A Scout is obedient – Define obedient in relation to a Scout.

20. A Scout is cheerful – Why should a Scout be cheerful?

21. A Scout is thrifty – What is thrifty?

22. A Scout is brave – How is a Scout brave?

23. A Scout is clean – What does it mean to be clean?

24. A Scout is reverent – Explain what is meant by a reverent Scout.

The Character Ethic

The Character Ethic, which I believe to be the foundation of success, teaches that there are basic principles of effective living, and that people can only experience true success and enduring happiness as they learn to integrate these principles into their basic character. (The Seven Habits of Highly Effective People - Daily Reflections for Highly Effective People, page 3)

As I write this post I will use it to help me clarify my thoughts on a specific point regarding a Father’s struggle. Specifically how I see the “Serenity Prayer” principle being helpful in relating to a crisis.

I just heard about a struggle between an 18 year old troubled teen girl and her family. The young woman does not want to attend the therapeutic boarding school that her parents are suggesting. This is a tough situation for the family. The young woman’s behavior leading up to their desire for her to attend an out of home - therapeutic educational program is by many accounts at the “life-threatening” level of — “At Risk” behavior. However, the young woman is 18 years old and legally can make the choice to accept or reject any help the parents are willing to provide. What should the parent do?

The father is seeking help with this crisis. The help that comes to my mind as potentially useful and effective is to help him understand his powerlessness over his daughter’s decisions and behaviors. (Step 1 of the 12 step program). If Dad’s focus remains on the targets of his emotions (fear and anxiety) than his own anxiety, fear, frustration, and pain will increase and the problem will be made no better and possibly worse.

Dad’s real power is in the focus of his response – to change the things he can. I suspect that he is looking for help in how to change his daughter’s mind – efforts in that direction will be less effective for him. More effective is for Dad to find clarity on the points of this situation that he does in fact have direct control over or at least on the things that he has significant influence over. Then he will be able act more effectively and (although powerless over the outcome) create an opportunity for his daughter to act as well – with her having a clearer view of her responsibility for her own life – and not a continuation of the “Reaction” trap. The Al-Anon, Families Anonymous or Co-Dependents Anonymous slogan is to “Act, not react” according to one’s own principles and beliefs in a way that is effective.

The message for me was the reminder that my life is more effective and serene when I focus my energies on things that I have real control over – not what I want to have control over.  This Idea is not new – it is a fundamental idea shared though out the self help literature, personal and business development strategies and can be found in expressions such as “I over E” meaning use your intellect over your emotions or “Think before you leap”. It is also a fundamental idea found in the popular book “The Seven Habits of Highly Effective People”.

Although the reading itself is written with a specific focus on alcoholism and addiction, the message is applicable to life in general. I am NOT an alcoholic but still find the messages in the “Twenty-Four Hours a Day” and the 12 Step approach to living vital to the quality of my life. There are many enormously helpful tools in the self help model that I live by and that we use at FFS. 

The message in today’s reading is one that echo’s the Serenity prayer.  Peace and Serenity is my wish for all as we move into 2010. 

Happy New Year & God Bless you all.

Saturday, January 2, 2010
You are reading from the book Twenty Four Hours a Day Hardcover (24 Hours)

A.A. Thought for the Day

What makes A.A. work? The first thing is to have a revulsion against myself and my way of living. Then I must admit I was helpless, that alcohol had me licked and I couldn’t do anything about it. The next thing is to honestly want to quit the old life. Then I must surrender my life to a Higher Power, put my drinking problem in His hands and leave it there. After these things are done, I should attend meetings regularly for fellowship and sharing. I should also try to help other alcoholics. Am I doing these things?

Meditation for the Day

You are so made that you can only carry the weight of twenty-four hours, no more. If you weigh yourself down with the years behind and the days ahead, your back breaks. God has promised to help with the burdens of the day only. If you are foolish enough to gather again that burden of the past and carry it, then indeed you cannot expect God to help you bear it. So forget that which lies behind you and breathe in the blessing of each new day.

Prayer for the Day

I pray that I may realize that, for good or bad, past days have ended. I pray that I may face each new day, the coming twenty-four hours, with hope and courage.

Look to this day,
The very life of life,
In its brief course lies all
The realities and varieties of existence,
The bliss of growth,
The splendor of action,
The glory of power –

For yesterday is but a dream,
And tomorrow is only a vision.
But today well lived,
Makes every yesterday
A dream of happiness
And every tomorrow
A vision of hope.
Look well, therefore,
To this day.

From – opening page of the Hazelden – “Twenty-Four Hour A Day” 1975 edition – a 12 step based daily reader used at FFS

The reception that followed was well attended and full of fun and fellowship.  Oh ya - as Father Ralph Groskoph, FFS Episcopal Chaplin said – there was “…a mountain of sinfully delicious treats!”  

My gratitude and appreciation to all. For me, opportunities like this help keep my focus on what matters. Merry Christmas and Happy New Years.

The analogy below, I think, is a fundamental example of this parallel. The 12-step concept, that real change will require us to open up and examine all aspects of our life and to be ready to change any and all of our thinking if needed resonates with the way to see real change in the “7 Habits of Highly effective People”.  The 12 step program is full of catchy slogans that embody its philosophy. One in particular applicable here is “We must let go of our old ideas”, the ideas are our maps if you will and the 12-Steps are suggesting that the ones that didn’t work for us need to change or go all together in order to see different results in life.  So here is the parallel analogy from the “7 Habits of Highly effective People”:

A map is a tool that we use to get us from here to there. From time to time we may discover that the landscape has changed and that the map may need to be updated or even replaced it no longer accurately describes the territory. Maps are like our personal paradigms.  The territory is like the reality we live in. A map is an explanation of aspects of the territory, not the territory itself. Paradigms or belief systems (like maps) which we rely on to navigate our ‘territory’ may also need to be updated or even replaced. Maps or our paradigms are a subjective reality and are only an attempt to describe the territory.

Minor changes in our life can be made by focusing on and changing our attitudes and behaviors. Significant or quantum changes in our life require us to work on our underling paradigms.

“7 Habits of Highly effective People” has been adapted to “Teens” in the similar title “7 Habits of Highly effective Teens.” The Family Foundation School library has this title in its holdings. At FFS, we work with struggling teens in both middle school and high school. I wonder if a formal incorporation of the “7 Habits” in the FFS Living Skills curriculum might make the basic concepts of the 12 Steps even more available to the middle school students.

Paradigms =

à        “a typical example of something”  OR

à        “an example that serves as a pattern or model for something, especially one that forms the basis of a methodology or theory” OR

à        “in the philosophy of science, a generally accepted model of how ideas relate to one another, forming a conceptual framework within which scientific research is carried out”

I try to keep in focus, the characteristics or the qualities of what I think a “Father” should posses or should model. I look at four characteristics:

1) Power & Strength
2) Loving & Compassionate
3) Approachable – with ease
4) Understanding

As per my previous post about leadership, success and humility, in my reflection on these, I look  for where I am successful and where I can improve.

Power and Strength: I think I get a part of this well. There are times in my “Father” role that I need to step up and be a beacon for “calm and confidence” such as in a time of uncertainty or crisis. For example: When our new kitten (Merlin) disappeared in the woods and up a tree for several hours, I understood that my children needed me to engage with the issue, devise a plan of  action, but most of all, I needed to communicate that “we will do our best and that, regardless of the outcome of the search & rescue, that all is and will be Okay.

What I have not been good at – and I am learning through my work with other parents – is that part of Power and Strength is also setting appropriate boundaries and expectations. I am coming to a deeper undertanding that my children a guild or better yet, guild rails in their journey toward adulthood.

Traditionally, I have related to my children with an emphasis on the qualities of Love, Approachability, and Understanding. The mentor and friend role was comfortable. When my children would ask for something that I was not comfortable with, I would discuses it with them, reason with them, sometimes almost plead with them, but too seldom would I come to give a clear bottom line.  It is not necessary for a “bottom line” to be mean or capricious.  It does need to be clear and definite. When I fail to be clear and definite in my decision, what is often happening for me is that, out of my own selfish fear of rejection, I don’t want to “offend” them. what happens in a case like this is I end up abdicating my position as “Father” and am not happy.  Also, neither are my children, not really. I know that all four of these qualities can and should coexist in harmony. 

As an aside, there are tons of Parent Resources out there.  I share as I come across titles and sites that I finde helpful. I am currently reading an excellent book (so far) entitled “Boys Adrift” dealing with the growing problem of unmotivated boys and in particular under achievement academically in American schools & culture.  I’m only a third of the way through but so far the description of the problem lines up with not only some of  my own 13 year old son’ conflicts in school but also many of the back stories of the boys and struggling teens dealing with ADD/ADHD  who I work with at The Family Foundation School